Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A Foolish Poll, Given Serious Consideration


Earlier today, John Hawkins of Right Wing News posted a sort of light hearted April Fools' Day poll about being trapped with celebrities on a desert island. In the poll, you were responsible for choosing a leader for your group, from the assembled lot of celebrities.

With a little help from Google and Wikipedia, I've given this some serious consideration.

So, let's start off by listing our options...

Paris Hilton
Tom Green
Britney Spears
Andy Dick
Rosie O'Donnell
Michael Jackson
Carrot Top
Amy Winehouse
Courtney Love
Gary Busey

I'll be the first to tell you, this is not my ideal list of pop-culture personalities, but not all is lost. I think we've got a few closet survivors in the crowd.

So, with the magic of the internet at our fingertips, I'm going to list the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate, and then rate them in terms of survivability in the wild and then choose my leader.

Paris Hilton- The 27 year old socialite looks like dead weight at first, but she has some surprising virtues. There's the obvious fact that she's one of the younger members of our group, making her more vigorous, flexible, and resilient than her older companions. Consider also her role on the reality television show The Simple Life, where she and her BFFTM (Best Friend for the Moment) Nicole Richie were thrust onto an Arkansas farm to participate in the workings of a lower class agricultural family. She has youth, and at least some experience performing manual labor in a non-urban environment. While not necessarily suited to making survival decisions, I suspect that under proper advisement, Paris could be a survival candidate.

Tom Green- Now here's an interesting cat. The 36 year old Canadian comic/actor has a lot more potential than one might think. First off, he's been known to put all sorts of things in his mouth, things like udders. In a civilized locale, that's something of a faux pas, but when you're in the wild trying to survive, he who can stomach the most grubs and crickets may just have the longest to live. He's not a party animal, having recently tried to take his career in a more serious and relatively family-oriented direction and he has demonstrated some business savvy with his assets. That said, he seems to have a fairly level head. His background in radio, might make him useful for making basic repairs to and operating any sort of commercial radio equipment that the group might salvage from the wreck or find washed up on shore. I think Tom's got a high degree of survivability.

Britney Spears- The only real strength 26 year old Britney has is that she competed as a gymnast prior to hitting it big in the music industry. Unfortunately, she's out of her damn mind. With her string of mental breakdowns, I wouldn't trust Britney with a pocket knife, more or less the lives of other people. She's likely to demoralize the group, and will be left more or less incapacitated in the early days of the ordeal if she is currently hooked on any hard drugs. Detox is a bitch, or so I hear.

Andy Dick- 42 year old Andy's history of drug use and unwanted groping of celebrities really doesn't do us much good in a survival situation. He once got his ass kicked by Jon Lovitz. Good for Jon, I guess. Dick's work with PETA could give him a knowledge of local fauna, making him a potentially valuable resource for identifying edible game, helping the group to avoid poisonous critters. Even so, given his penchant for recklessness, it's unlikely that Andy would be key to the group's survival.

Rosie O'Donnell- At the age of 46, Rosie is one of the older members of the group, she's in poor physical condition, and her disdain for guns could lead to the sabotage of group of efforts. Her large frame, however, does afford her some leniency in terms of dietary requirements. She could certainly go longer without food than many of the slighter members of group. (Michael Jackson, Andy Dick, Paris Hilton, et al...)

Michael Jackson- The 49 year old King of Pop, is probably the least suited for survival in mainstream civilization, more or less, a desert island. Having been in show business from childhood on, Michael lacks any real world survival skills. In the off chance that natives are encountered on the desert island, Michael Jackson's insane international market penetration and popularity could save the group from cannibalization. (Though I should note that cannibal cultures are rare. Also, that there is likely little left of Michael Jackson that is actually edible.)

Carrot Top- The 43 year old comedian is something of a red herring (enjoy the pun, they're few and far between around here), since everyone remembers him as the wimpy frazzle headed standup comic who grew famous for his odd appearance and his unconventional use of prop based comedy. Even his fellow comedians think he's a pussy. I caught a Pauly Shore show in 2005 where Pauly thought he could kick Carrot Top's ass in a celebrity boxing match. Pauly Shore is about five-foot five and probably about one-hundred-fifty pounds. Carrot Top on the other hand has swollen over the years into a muscle bound goon. With his background in prop construction, Carrot Top may be the most valuable member of the team, bringing both physical prowess and actual skills to the table. It's pretty sad when this guy is our Professor.

Amy Winehouse- Well, it could be worse, 24 year old Amy Winehouse could be Britney Spears. Booze, drugs, booze. Useless in a survival situation, but possibly the least irritating gal in the bunch. Who knows, Paris could be cooler?

Courtney Love- She's the girl we use to console Britney. But hey, she knows how to use a shotgun. RIP Kurt Cobain. She may not have any skills, and she might be drugged out of her mind, but she's probably the most cutthroat bitch on the island.

Gary Busey- Here's our wild card. He's the only man on the island who is clearly insane. He's had some pretty harsh things to say about Britney and Paris in the past, so there's a good chance he might just go on a killing spree. He could really go any which way. Someone might have to take him down.

Here's how I order them in terms of survivability...

Carrot Top
Tom Green
Rosie O'Donnell
Courtney Love
Paris Hilton
Gary Busey
Andy Dick
Amy Winehouse
Britney Spears
Michael Jackson

And I choose...
Tom Green to be the group leader. He's a fairly level headed survivor capable of performing disgusting acts of self-preservation. Tom could spur the whole group to survive with his willingness to lead by example. An alliance between Tom and Carrot-Top could potentially save the whole lot of them... well, the ones that don't kill themselves... and the ones that don't get gutted in their sleep by Gary Busey or Courtney Love. She might just stop at disfiguring her rivals, and possibly spitting on their marred faces.

That's the best I can do with what I was left to work with. I wouldn't mind being on that island, I've seen enough Discovery Channel to know what to do. Thanks Bear Grylls.

9 comments:

FOMSG said...

Ryan my good man, you should have sent me the link. No, I have to find out by looking at RWN.

You're a good writer by the way. I can always tell by the feeling of jealousy I get when I read it.

And yes SPC Bullshit this is who you think it is...

I have always hated you...

Want to let me co-blog????

Didn't think so.

FOMSG said...

YOU PHOTOSHOPPED PUTO'S HEAD ON MY BODY YOU FUCK!!!!!?????

Ryan Placchetti said...

Lewis did that, I only do the bogging.

And I've been considering a collaborative blog full of ornery people, and you're definitely on my short list.

Gene said...

FOMSG should be the anti-Puertasmo, appearing on my puertasmo.com in lengthy comments and retorts.

This has to be one of the funniest works I've read since the one about Erin taking your heart and something about weather patterns. Great job, yo!

Ryan Placchetti said...

Then you have poor taste sir.

Zen Chef said...

I can't help wondering how a pit-roasted Rosie O'Donnell with BBQ sauce would taste like and who would eat her. Tom Green would definetly have a feast, but i'm not so sure about Paris.

Ryan Placchetti said...

Paris can probably go weeks without eating.

Gene said...

probably how she maintains her figure.

Moe said...

You certainly have a way of swaying votes. Initially, Gary Busey seemed like such a reasonable vote, but now I'm definitely reconsidering...