Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Truth Is...

I'm a closet liberal.

In the world I live in, it's perfectly acceptable to slay babies not yet free of their mothers' wombs. It's casually accepted that two people of the same gender could lead productive lives in a nurturing relationship without destroying the fabric of the American way of life and opening a weird Pandora's sex-box filled with bestiality, pedophilia and unisex bathrooms in church.

I have another confession...

I'm a closet conservative.

I have no sympathy for murderers, rapists, and fiscally irresponsible suburbanites who live beyond their means. I think government welfare, generally speaking, is a crock of shit.

I can also be a raging hypocrite. It seems to work for everyone else, so I'm on board with that too.

Here are some problems with our government, listed in no particular order.


1) We have two political parties whose entire purpose is to get their politicians into positions of power in order to push a specific agenda. These agendas are basically just strategies for solving the problems in our country. We have two parties, with two legitimate strategies, and only one country. What's that mean? Compromise. Both parties spend all their time squabbling over the middle-ground, and in the end solve nothing.

2) We elect our politicians based on some fairly absurd issues. My favorite is abortion. Not just because it's fun to make jokes about, (and I've made my fair share) but it's completely one-hundred-billion percent irrelevant to the future of our country. What drives America is its economy. If some dead Eurotrash impressionist like, say... Van Gogh, were to paint a portrait of the scope of American success there wouldn't be one dead fucking baby in sight, but there'd be plenty of greenbacks. And probably a few ten-inch cocks. (I'm looking at you President Washington, you wooden-toothed rapscallion.)

3) The Primaries have nothing to do with democracy. I shouldn't need to go into any further depth than that. If you know anything about the Primaries then you agree with me. If you know nothing about the Primaries then it doesn't really matter whether you agree with me or not because you have no idea what I'm talking about. Look it up, and think about. More thought has gone into the formation of fantasy baseball leagues than the democratization of American political Primaries.

4) There's an old saying when it comes to awesome cars...

"Drive it like you stole it!"

It's the sort of thing your asshole friend says to you the first time you let him ride shotgun in your brand new, not a piece of shit, car. That's how our politicians drive our government, like they stole it. They're driving our metaphorical car, and we're standing in our metaphorical driveways with our hands in our hair whispering "Holy metafuckingphorical shit. Stop that." as you watch smoke rise from the spinning tires, hear the engine roar and feel in your chest the car shuddering furiously in place... only the smoke is money and the tires are totally government projects and the engine is media attention and... well, shuddering furiously in place describes both our government and your sweet ride in fairly equal context.

I guess I can summarize that by saying that the government spends money frivolously.

5) In a system of government meant to represent the will of the people, it seems contrary to snap at politicians who "poll watch". Polls are a mathematical assessment of voters' opinions. Why has representing the people been demonized in modern politics? Well, part of the blame can be cast upon our reigning political parties. The idea that the wants and needs of the individual voter are irrelevant has been made true by the influence of political parties. The purity of the parties has been turned into the stuff of legends. Both parties assume a sort of calculated victory since World War II, they stack up pleasing facts in order to claim responsibility for every ounce of good that has come out of the government. By the same token, everything that has been bad... that's been the fault of the opposition. My point is, once again, we have a government with very little interest in actually exercising anything beyond the fanfare and theater of democracy.


I'm going to toss out a brief caveat here: America is essentially a democratic nation, and our votes do count. I know I was a little bit rough, and may have slipped ever so slightly into the dark and fantastic realm of hyperbole. What I'm saying is that our methods of governing are flawed and prone to corruption. Not criminal corruption per se, but a corruption of the spirit of democracy. A corruption of the American expectation that we citizens deserve to have our views represented by our representatives. Represent, it's sort of in the title of our brand of government: Representative Democracy. Sometimes people lose sight of the obvious.

That said, I also believe whole-heartedly that politicians are not evil megalomaniacal con-artists. They do what they have to do to thrive within the system. I like to think that politicians are generally good-hearted people with a passion for making their country a better place to be. Whether you agree with their view of what constitutes a utopia probably determines where you lie in the political spectrum.

I lie on the tracks. Politicians lie on the record.


Gene said...

ten inch cocks, again?

Ryan Placchetti said...

It's a theme.

tj said...

You are truly brilliant. Is this your way of saying you are entering the run for President?

Ryan Placchetti said...

I'm not old enough. Give me 11 years and we'll start talking.